You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
