This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I have fence marks all over my body
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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