the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
