I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
