my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
