Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
As shirtless as possible
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
