Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
