Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
