i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Randomize
