Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
