You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
