Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I smell like Dick and happiness
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