I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
