Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize