I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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