Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
