so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
