i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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