I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
