I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
