I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Randomize
