Porn is love you can see.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
