Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
