wakey wakey hands off snakey
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
