You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
sex in a hospital.. check
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
