drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
