Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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