So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
