I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
