i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
