im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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