i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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