so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
