Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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