dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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