I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
