I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
