Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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