that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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