i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
