At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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