My girlfriend figured out who you are.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
