my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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