Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
whose parrot is this?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
