ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
