tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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