My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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