After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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