I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
