Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
