I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
