You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
