I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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