i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
