Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
