I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
