Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
