I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
PANTIES FOUND
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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