So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
