I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
