First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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