I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
