Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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