i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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